I finally had My First Fart Fetish Experience, and It Left Me Confused and Turned Off. What Happened?

I (26M) have been into fart porn since middle school, and pretty much exclusively have been watching it since. Fast forward and I finally had my first real life fart fetish experience after years of hoping for something. I met an amazing girl (26F) on FetLife who shares exactly the same interests with farting, and we really clicked outside of the kink as well.

We hit it off during our first date, having a fantastic time getting to know each other. The chemistry was great and we were both having a great time, so naturally, we decided to head back to her place.

We were making out, feeling each other up and everything was going well, and then she paused, told me she felt a fart coming, so we changed positions, she was on all fours, and I was eating her ass from behind. I was so excited, I opened my mouth, and she farted.

Where I get I’m conflicted is that in that moment, everything changed. I realized I HATED this, the second she farted in my mouth, I started gagging. This was something I was supposed to be excited about, something I had fantasized about for years, but instead, it turned into an absolute nightmare. The shock, the smell, and the sensation hit me like a freight train, and I lost my erection completely. I just couldn't believe the reality with what I thought I wanted. I thought maybe I was in my own head so we went on a few more dates, and tried fart play maybe 5 or 6 more times together and each time we did and she farted I was completely turned off no matter what.

Where things also get really complicated is even though I hated that real-life experience, I still find myself getting off to fart porn. It’s confusing as hell. I love the fantasy of it all but hate the reality. I’ve been trying to make sense of it because I genuinely like this girl, but I decided to break things off out of respect. I need to figure out what’s going on in my head. I realize I shouldn’t be seeing anyone while I’m in such a bad mental state.

Has anyone else experienced a similar disconnect between fantasy and reality? How did you reconcile those feelings? Should I enjoy the fetish from a distance, or is there still hope for me to embrace it in real life? Help!